I'm slowly realizing the problem with this strategy of keeping myself busy all the time is that you literally can't be busy all of the time, and once you slow down it all hits you at once. This is where i have been the last week or so.  I got sick and forced myself to slow down and after I started to feel a bit better and I wasn't busy focusing on getting better, it all came. Every little thing that I was too busy to process, or have been intentionally keeping myself busy not to think about. This created a chain reaction which by the end of, I was so far back in time in my mind I didn't even know how I got there. At the end of the day, that is what sticks in my head, I don't know how I got here. I don't know how to get out of here. I feel like I'm so far past the point of being able to turn this around, as if perhaps I should just accept this as my fate; that this is as good as life's going to get. I honestly don't think I can, I need something more. 

Perhaps I just need time to process, to slow down, and relax; but I honestly don't know if I know how. It feels as if I've racing to catch up with all that I've missed out on, that I'm reminded of everyday. Sometimes it feels like I'm a failure in every way.