Hello world, long time since I’ve posted anything, like a really long time, an amazingly long time really. For anyone who somehow doesn’t know, I often find solace in music, as it has a unique way of speaking to our emotions when words fail us. There is one album in particular that has had a profound impact on me since its release. Interestingly from a band I originally started listening to over twenty years ago, "If There is Light, It Will Find You" by Senses Fail. This album holds a special place in my heart and resonates with the deep emotions I experienced during what might have been the most difficult time in my life.
It was released in early 2018 (although admittedly I didn’t listen to it until the end of the year) roughly around the time that the woman I loved was living half a world away and a few months before she tragically took her own life. This pain, of losing someone you love is utterly indescribable, but to attempt to express it with words, it was as if my world was crumbling around me, with no way to regain my footing. However, the pain of not knowing what she was suffering through, the burden she was living with, is even more unbearable. What I didn’t know is that months before she took her life, she had a miscarriage — see, she had moved back to Korea where I was meant to reunite with her a few months later, I didn’t know she had been pregnant (a feat that in itself was a bit of a miracle as I am not supposed to be able to reproduce) and only found out this past December. The weight of this is something I still struggle with today, and may never recover from. I often find myself wishing I had known, as I would have done everything in my power to comfort her and let her know just how much I loved her. Perhaps, in some way, I could have helped her find the light she so desperately needed.
Back to the music. Listening to "If There is Light, It Will Find You" has become a sort of cathartic experience for me. The heartfelt lyrics mirror the pain and longing I feel deep within my soul. The album's emotional journey reflects my own, from the initial shock and disbelief to the overwhelming grief and eventual acceptance (I’m working on it, I swear). Each track on the album holds a different memory and emotion for me. Songs like "Double Cross" and "Orlando and a Miscarriage" capture the gamut of emotions I still feel to this day; and how just the first few bars of the title track “If There is Light, It Will Find You” makes tears swell up in my eyes. These songs, the lyrics become a vessel for my own pent-up emotions, allowing me to release the pain that has been weighing me down. Meanwhile, other songs, such as "Shaking Hands" and "Stay What You Are," remind me of the love we shared and the dreams we had for our future together. These songs bring a bittersweet comfort, as they help me cherish the memories and hold on to the love that will forever remain in my heart.
The healing power of music should never be underestimated. It has the ability to validate our emotions, provide solace in times of despair, and help us navigate through the darkest moments of our lives. "if there is light it will find you" has become my companion on this tumultuous journey of grief, reminding me that I am not alone in my pain; and although the wounds of loss may never fully heal, I find solace in the fact that through music, I can keep her memory alive. As the haunting melodies and poignant lyrics of Senses Fail's album continue to make me cry, they also serve as a reminder of the love we shared and the importance of cherishing every moment with those we hold dear.
What is the point in writing this? Mainly two reasons, the first: for me to get it out (and because my therapist suggested that it may be helpful for me). The second: to encourage anyone going through a difficult time to try and find solace in music. Allow yourself to feel the emotions, embrace the healing power of melodies, and find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Let the music guide you through the darkest days and remind you that, even in the depths of despair, there is always a glimmer of light waiting to be found; something I wish I had been able to share with my love.
If There is Light, it Will Find You