I don’t want to sound selfish, but I don’t think you have any idea how much I needed you. Even after you left New York you were my life line. Whenever I had an absolutely horrible day and needed to be talked off the ledge you were there. When I had an amazing idea or the random good day I couldn’t wait to tell you. It seems stupid, but I don’t know what to do now; I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve picked up my phone to text you about something and suddenly just stop in my place, sometimes holding back tears. Sometimes something will happen that I knew you would get excited about, like one of your favorite groups winning their first award & even though they were up against my favorite group I got excited because I knew you would be, but the excitement didn’t stay, because you weren’t there anymore.
I had a dream last night, I don’t dream often, I don’t sleep often, but this dream was like an alternate timeline where you never left and everything was wonderful. I sometimes find myself wondering if you felt wonderful while you were here, if you were happy here with me. I know it’s stupid because there is absolutely no way to know, but if you were as happy as I was how could you leave? Or did it tear you apart to leave, and all the times afterward that we talked, that I expressed how much I missed you and wished you would’ve stayed, did each conversation feel like salt in the wound?